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remembering the inevitable
today is October . 20 . 2024 .
written on Oct 20, 2023
last year at this time i was sitting on the floor at a different location . settling in - to watch @maiseltv with my brother @vbwil - this was the one show we had agreed to watch together - we never made it through the first two episodes of season 4 together - he kept falling asleep - I kept trying to convince myself to eat . while trying to pretend he wouldn’t be leaving... I am going to attempt to start season 5 without him...
last year . from this moment . there would be countless hours sitting and sleeping on the floor behind or next to the couch that held my brother . often in the dark . freezing . staring at nothing . trying not to move . trying not to make a sound . waking to his groans of agony or him yelling - scolding - criticizing - berating me for just about anything . his brain was no longer his . his brain no longer belonged to him . he was scared . exhausted . in pain . malnourished . medicated . helpless . his ego diminished . though i knew this the words didn't hurt less . i never stopped loving him no matter the cruel things he said
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his fiancé and i were still respecting this "secret"
in just a few days she'd have the burden to release it . that gofundme page . heartbreaking to share it . with friends family the general public
so many people i have yet to thank for all the support . here it is almost a year [now two] and im just now finally realizing it
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this sucks
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remembering the inevitable
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[ who am i without my brother ]
typing at this moment . Sunday, October 20, 2024
after viewing then purging videos from my phone . holding on to the sound of my brother’s voice . seeing his face and body already betraying the already failing of hope for healing .
reeling . remembering . hearing in our voices the false hopeful cadence of reassuring that everything wil be . . . anything but this reality. I knew he’d be leaving me .
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thank you for listening
this was melissa adylia calasanz
i appreciate your interest
i appreciate your existence
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wow
wow
wow
wishing you . . . a happy, healthy, and hopeful remainder of your week
‘til next time . . .
🔉⬇️ AUDIO ⬇️🎙️
Who is Melissa Adylia Calasanz SAG/AFTRA
Melissa Adylia Calasanz is a multi-hyphenate compassionate, curious, creative human. She is a SAG/AFTRA Dancer/Actor/VO Artist, as well as a Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominated poet. Melissa returned to the stage, screen, and Voiceover booth last year after a decades-long career detour, which took her on many exciting wilderness and professional adventures. She is a lover of cats, plants, dance, poetry and people - all of which, she believes, have the ability to add value to the world beyond any one person's personal or professional identity
IG: @ AllTheChaptersNoONeSees
IG: @ MelissaAdyliaPauseBreatheSmile
Melissa Adylia Calasanz Personal Substack
MY THREE PODCASTS
You Buy The Shoes I Kick You With Them (teasers launched) : You Buy the Shoes I Kick You with Them . a podcast . by Melissa Adylia Calasanz . in association with . ALL THE CHAPTERS NO ONE SEES . Personal Experiences & Observations within Foot Fetish Subculture. Season 1. personal reflections . Season 2. Interviews with men, and women, from within the Foot Fetish and associated subcultures . as well as answering questions from listeners and readers. in conversation . creating beauty from stigmas.
I Want to Read You Out Loud (teaser launched) : What is this? I am : lending my voice : to words : by those who : inspire : something . something wonderful . to me . to you . whether poetry prose cereal boxes academic texts shampoo bottles - anything : that piques my curiosity . stirring memories feelings visions conversations options for exploring seeking reading . tangential auditory explorations of my choosing . reminders of the days of youth playing poetry roulette . moonlit nights on the floor of a Branson, MO condo reading out loud to the ceiling accompanied by wine and music and the freedom that comes with no awareness of literary and academic expectations . we were young . a dancer a musician an aesthete . two of three never meeting . thirty years later . thousands of miles . states and continents and lifetimes between us . each connected with the loves we've chosen who continue to hold us firmly planted allowing us to be creative . lovers of words . readers of dictionaries and conversations with strangers . I am fortunate for those I've known who have no idea their influence nor their importance . . . i share these intimate moments with you . listener . reader . appreciator of things that stir excite and settle . me . I thank you . for joining me . listening . reading . sharing . creating.
All The Chapters No One Sees ( coming soon) : ALL THE CHAPTERS NO ONE SEES . a podcast . by Melissa Adylia Calasanz : Creating Beauty from Stigmas . exploring pages from my history . chapters titled with words to hide . secrets . words for shame . when lists of experience become poetry . prose . prompts for recitation . I invite you to take a peek . my inner workings . as memories become words to string . bound for publishing . I appreciate you for existing . for your interest . and most of all, for listening .
Heart wrenching. I can still feel the way you miss him despite his despair and pain-induced cruelties at the end. Will you be at Bookman Friday?
Oh my dear friend I send you all the love and healing and continued strength as you seek and inspire.